Brick By Brick

Good Evening Lovies. It's been a minute since I have taken the time to sit and write about myself and my life. 

I still cannot grasp how quickly this year is flying by... are we seriously in the 6th month of this god awful year???

Okay. Okay, not everything has been tragic or disappointing, but I am really struggling with whether there were more positive than negative; probably because my mind is in a very dark space these days. 

I am beginning to dislike myself for keeping everything inside.

SOME WOULD CALL THIS PERSONAL GROWTH

I know that swallowing things that I feel and need to say, is not just detrimental for my own health and well-being... it is dangerous for those closest to me!!!

For people who haven't seen me in decades, or who have watched me through the decades and are still in my life... they KNOW how much I have changed, and the incredible personal growth I have worked extremely hard on. Today, and the past few days, feel like I have slipped backwards. I can see myself throwing the bricks and mortar up, to create a safety wall as quickly as possible. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to look vulnerable. I MUST protect myself with everything I have!!!

I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see is emptiness and failure right now. In the past couple years, I have been able to break down every brick, completely exposed; naked and vulnerable ~ but completely safe ~ because I am fortunate enough to have one person (MY PERSON) I have been able to rely on for more than 20 years. I have two guys I consider brothers and come hell or high water, I am by their sides. I have my sister and my kids. I have my Mama... Those are the ONLY people who have seats at my table.

That being said... Why the fk am I building an impenetrable wall around me and around my heart???

Mental illness is a serious thing. It screws with you in ways you couldn't even imagine. Combine that with lack of sleep, being in a major fibroflare and just feeling "lost". I can't stand that I need reassurance at times. I hate that I question anything; when in the back of my head, I know it's absurd as it sounds. You know what I really, really struggle with??? People telling me how strong I am; or that I am the one who will hold the people up when they need it. 

My question is...

WHO WILL HOLD ME UP???

I don't know if I am simply having a pity party, or if I am drowning in quick sand that is inconveniently inside the wall I just built... either way, something's gotta give, right?

~ Phoenix