Friday's Scars

 

Good Afternoon Lovies. The weekend is upon us, for those of you who love the outdoors, I hope the weather cooperates with your plans. Me? This weekend represents a lot of heartache, so for it to be dreary and stormy would be the ideal weather. 

If it could only be like it is in comic strips where the cloud is above one person's head, I'd take it. Know what I mean???

Today is my (adopted) sister's birthday. I sent a text this morning, wishing her well. I haven't really spoken to her since the end of February. You could say that we are not exactly a close knit family; for obvious reasons. 

I feel bad because we all seem to be coping with health issues, and none of us can really offer support for the other. I mean, we could, but I am tired of being the pillar for everyone and refuse to do it anymore. 

It's odd how the black sheep is ALWAYS the one that carries the burden of everyone's woes, isn't it???

I am not going to draw out my medical things today; however, I am going to write about where I am mentally today. I am struggling a bit BUT with good reason. I am not in a terrible mood. It's not like I am on a rampage and want to kick the crap out of anyone... it's more of a reflective day and remembering things... unfortunately, you can't solely hold the good, without feeling the bad.

There is no such thing as perfection, especially when it comes to people and relationships.

Tomorrow it will be his 17th birthday without him on this earthly plane. I still miss him, and I burst out laughing at the oddest things; sometimes there are tears when I hear a certain tune, or see something that would remind me of him. I cannot say that the grief gets any easier, but what I can offer to those who lose their spouse (especially at such a young age), is this... when people tell you that the grief goes away, it is NOT true. They have the best of intentions with those words, but it is usually because they know there is nothing that they can say, or do, that will console you.

I know everyone's journey through grief is different, and I can tell you... do NOT listen to people who tell you there is a time limit for grief neither. That is utter bullshit!!! Go through the emotions, work through them and take as long as you need to figure out what you life is without them. YES, it is hard as hell; but I can promise you... You WILL survive it. 

Another thing I have learned on my own journey is it is okay to love again. It is NOT a betrayal to move forward with your life. Just because you love again, doesn't mean you never loved your partner that passed. People who try to degrade you for doing that have NO idea what it is like... and they should be grateful they don't!!! 

I miss my Teddybear. He is tucked away in a place of my heart that is sealed shut; a place that was only meant for him. All I can say is the time I spend with him, and his passing taught me ONE thing... in his death he taught me how to live!!! GBNF

Stay blessed. Be loved.

~ Phoenix