Let You Down
My topic today is how some days I really feel like I'm a failure... a disappointment to people. I don't know if that's a natural feeling for all adoptees; but it's a burden I've carried since childhood.
I was 5 months old, when my incubator (I refuse to call her my mother because she never earned that privilege), abandoned me ~ I don't care what others say, it IS different for everyone, for me, it left me feeling unworthy, rejected and with severe abandonment issues when I got older.
I grew up in luxury. Finances were never an issue. I got the great private school education; which I am very grateful for, but there were also major downfalls.
Sure, I was and always will be "Daddy's girl". My adopted dad and I generally had a great relationship; the only things that hindered it was religion and my mother. I know they expected me to be this daughter who would be a faithful church-going woman, who'd marry within their faith, have a bunch of children and continue on the family that way.
I'm sorry. I let you down.
I don't know if it was in my DNA. I don't know if it was my inability to conform or simply my forever curious mind that drove the wedge sooooo deep between us. My (adopted) family, is very fractured. I KNOW the pressure and constant nagging about religion pushed 3 of the 4 siblings away; but I think things run deeper than that.
I can't be this soft, sweet, do as you're told kind of girl.
YES, I am a sweet and nice person but I also think for myself. I cannot, no matter how hard I've tried, follow a path that I don't feel is right. I don't know if it's again because of how I grew up or that I'm a wylde child, or simply because I think people should all be able to make their own choices without any harassment or mistreatment from others. We ARE allowed to differ.
Imagine how mundane the world would be if we were all the same?!!
I am sorry I let you down, but I will not apologize for being who I am. Stay safe. Be well. Be blessed, and above all, Be LOVED.
~ Phoenix
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